Local Man Arrested for Harboring Inner Child

_{Published February 13, 2024}

Local Man Arrested for Harboring Inner Child

Kansas City, MO — A local man was arrested outside his apartment on Wednesday night following a SWAT operation that revealed he was harboring an inner child. Richard “Dick” Schwartz, 38, has been identified as the alleged perpetrator.

“He’s looking at numerous charges of neglect,” stated Attorney General Ayef Ess. “It appears his inner child had hundreds of parts, all of whom Schwartz was hiding from himself — and the authorities.”

Police were tipped off about the hidden inner child after the child was discovered by Schwartz’s therapist, Dr. Trisha Palmer, during a routine session. "I am ethically obligated to notify the police when a client causes harm," Dr. Palmer explained. “These inner child parts were all made unwillingly…and based on what he told me during our sessions, Dick has been gathering more and more of them at significant junctures of his life since he was born. In my professional opinion, he is truly a sick fuck.”

As of press time, Schwartz’s legal team is weighing their options between two defenses: 1) Schwartz had been trying to heal his inner child or 2) the inner child was running the show all along, and Schwartz is in fact the victim.

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